Jewells of Thought

The Sunday morning I got to sing a solo recently was a big high for me. It felt really good to be in my wheelhouse once again. Music was my first love, first passion and church ministry that came naturally for me with my family.

The last two years everything has been difficult. I tried something out of my wheelhouse and at first it was exciting until I saw how sloppy leadership could be in this setting and that other people could and their agenda’s could take overdoing one’s best at their job even while still learning that very job.

Nothing has been the same since. Even at my darkest hour the day I quit dialysis for good. I had to quit in order to seek help to get out of the slippery downward spiral my ulcer was taking me down into. I finally made the decision to fight for my health and not the job with the personnel dragging me down that path. I had to see the light at the end of the tunnel in order to fight myself back to an emotionally and physically better me.

There is always a purpose for the pits we endure. Joseph and Job shows us that from the Old Testament and even Naomi and Ruth. There are probably many more I could name of course… but I won’t. Those pits and the lessons they learned while in them would be used for years to come. The character building those experiences made of these men and women allowed them to be who God had made them to be.

Still with my Bachelors degree and my supposedly equaling to an Associates Degree in Medical Coding why do I feel so bereft? I love being as accurate as I can be, but it wasn’t enough to pass the test for Medical Coding. However, I did love my classes in Medical Terminology, and Anatomy and those were the classes that helped me most with Dialysis. I also thought they would help me with being a Medical Scribe; I was wrong. It’s having actual experience apparently. I almost had that earlier this year but the test threw me off. I know I can do the job, but being told I had to do a test and then having to do it as soon as they told me only made me more nervous. Yet I am still not certain how on the level that job was since it wasn’t officially from the Terre Haute community, they were calling me from California.

This year after having put away my needles and thread after countless surgeries and pain; I found inspiration. After the tornado swept across Sullivan and Greene county launching our Sullivan American Legion’s Vietnam area helipcopter I watched as the news report made an announcement. It was incredibly sad and exciting that a Virginia museum was closing its doors, but they heard about this torn up helicopter and gifted the American Legion with one of their own. I began looking for my book on Planes from World War 2 and on and I remember them specifically saying a Cobra Helicopter. I knew I had one in this book, but I couldn’t find the book it took a day or two for me to look through all my stuff to finally get my hands on my 6 legendary planes.

This was back in December or January my hands were in really pretty good condition. I still accidentally hit the nerve on my right wrist more than I would like, but I type all the time and don’t notice any real pain for the most part. It became fun and exciting again to work with needlecraft after being away for as long as I had been from it. Then baby showers began to pop up. I only had one pillow left of my prepared pillows ready to add my patterns to. That really hit me hard. I liked having this other outlet besides blankets and bath towels. I couldn’t find anything online that was affordable or doable though.

Now I am using a sewing machine for the first time since high school. It makes me feel even closer to both my Grandma’s. Using Grandma Rosie’s Pfaff was special for me. I only wish I could have had this amazing epiphany before we sold Grandma Betty’s sewing machine or Grandma Doris’s.

The timing of all this is what truly perplexes me. Why now? I’m several years late to have learned lessons from my Grandma’s! There are a handful of women I have been talking to and getting tips from all of them. They have all been very encouraging.

This is me yet again coming back from something disappointing and adapting to the new situation. Making pillows has been fun and a new challenge for me. I like the idea of coming up with new designs for the back of the pillow as well as the cross-stitch front.

Being in the pit for me started in different ways. Firstly when my supervisor went against my doctors orders secondly when my co-worker threw me under the bus for her own ambition, and thirdly when the accident happened. Several health professional friends told me I had PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. The irony of that statement is that I always thought working with blood would be hard for me when I was younger thinking about a job as a nurse. Then as a history nerd I watched a lot of World War 2 movies and blood was everywhere. I think I desensitized myself to the image of blood or at least I thought I did until this accident. I had nightmares from it for months.

Someone can say something to me or I can be earshot of someone and it brings all of this back instantly. Yesterday that happened and I wasn’t able to sleep last night once again.

When will I stop reliving the nightmare that never completely leaves my memory?