Jewells of Thought

Who would have thought one phone conversation could create such discontent?

Yesterday was a long day after an exhausting emotional weekend. Plus we keep hearing about more deaths. I had a couple back and forth messages between my cousin about 4 deaths within the past 3 weeks. Then yesterday after we got to Aunt Helen’s I found another Facebook mention that I thought someone had misspelled my name at first. I was wrong, but I couldn’t find the name of the lady in the photo that came across my account.

Mom knew both women, I had seen them but didn’t really know them. All I knew was that the younger lady worked at McDonald’s at Linton for a long time. The post never mentioned the word death, but it was apparent she had died. So I showed it to Mom who then showed it to Aunt Helen. My Mom couldn’t get over this and kept saying she needed to get a hold of her aunt to talk to her and find out about a funeral so forth.

Fast forward to after we got home last night and I was working on my one and only article for the day. With our traveling back and forth and life just piling on level after level I just only had wind for one article. Before I was ready to post the piece I got a phone call. The most recent call lasted 6 minutes, but this one Bryan seemed to be fueled by my recent ineptness. I was exhausted and took it that way anyhow and was frustrated he called when I hadn’t gotten to post the piece yet my computer freezes when I get his calls. However, I couldn’t talk to him and finish without using some brain power and I simply didn’t have it to differentiate the difference.

The call was finished after a good twelve minutes of trying to understand what had been said and not knowing what to say at times. It felt like I said all my inept points had been leveled against me and I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible. To be honest he was right I have to admit since working at Dialysis I find it harder to trust those I don’t know or believe that things will simply work out experiencing that event where I couldn’t even trust my supervisor really did a number on me. I tend to second guess myself now, I don’t feel as confident in ways that I used to be. So I went to my default position and wanted the call to stop. I didn’t stop it, but he could tell I was not fully there with him in this conversation. I think I was possibly trying to doze off too. Fortunately we mutually ended the conversation and sort of promised to text before I went to bed.

This is where my frustration and exhaustion cost me. It was not quite 9:30, but I decided it was time to go to bed. I wasn’t doing myself any good staying up any later, however, I did a no-no, I drank a pop with my supper which meant I wasn’t getting to sleep that night. It wasn’t until morning though that I realized my folly. I missed taking my night pills.

So I was a mess this morning, no sleep and didn’t take my pills that were supposed to work while I was not sleeping that night. I went ahead and took my allergy pill with my early pill this morning. My migraine pill will be alright when I take it tonight. I have done really well with those I just really need to not get mad and go to bed without taking them again. Then there was the added negative that we couldn’t walk this morning because of rain. There is supposed to be some down time where hopefully this afternoon we can get our walk in, I really hope so cause I get antsy without my exercise.

When I took my allergy pill this morning it did make me feel a bit more drowsy. Yet I drove to go get gas before Mom had a conniption. She really wanted to see the aunt of the lady who had just died on Sunday. Well when I parked there so Mom could go in I stayed in the car because I just still felt tired, but my head felt a bit drowsy and thought I needed to just sit still and rest. Her funeral will also be on Saturday, but it will be in a Funeral Home unlike the ones at my High School that same day.

Bryan tried calling me again, but I didn’t answer. So when he said he just wanted to wish me a good night I felt guilty. I didn’t want to sound the way I still felt… pure frustration. I still wonder what Grandpa Freddy would think and say about my relationship. It’s unlike the big elaborate dreams I had as a young girl, for certain. I have tried to plan and it has backfired on me When I don’t plan things they still backfire, so it seems. I listen for the voice of God I don’t just go barreling into situations yet never until Bryan came into my life did I feel I was at home with him. Even with the long-distance and vastly different lives from his east and west coast lifestyle to my Midwest country values lifestyle. I have always told him I have to be somewhat skeptical of us for my Dad’s sake and in remembrance of all I learned from my Grandpa’s. I have to be on guard and he’s accepted that because I am my father’s daughter.

Sometimes though everything piles on and it feels hopeless and impossible. I mean it’s already been 3 years plus a few months. Yet we have handled some big ups and downs and persevered. I don’t understand God’s plan with our relationship and how He will bring us together. There are times I feel like I am simply dreaming of a fantasy and one day it will finally burst and be over.

Perhaps some prayer time or a night with some Church Ladies this evening will be good for me. I missed being at the last one so I am looking forward to being with Grandma Betty tonight. After some calming of my mind, heart and soul I will be able to converse with the man I do believe the Lord has given me.