Jewells of Thought

January is no longer the happy month of becoming a year older like it was when I was younger. Somewhere after college it became simply a measuring stick. Now that milestone takes me back to younger days when my aunt or uncle were making my birthday cakes and I had all of my grandparents and my cousins around me.

Cakes made by family with love are more awesome than bought cakes hands down.

Not only have times changed, the people in my life have somewhat dwindled. What I had believed would happen was adding on another family branch that didn’t happen at all. Having a niece did change that a little bit, but only having her for a slice of time means missing her as much as we see her. She does liven the house up when she’s around though.

Still I can’t complain. God has given me a wonderful life. I have an education that started at home with my family learning the Bible and going to church. The best way to start a child’s education in today’s world. Having Biblical knowledge has been key to knowing false doctrine when it shows up at every corner. It has kept me skeptical and as alert as possible with the new phenomenon of online dating. I swore off dating platforms though after one bad encounter.

I have had a false sense of hope in the past couple of years that things would change for my birthday. Again my healthy doubts of love being found online kept me above water and yet I still felt like I was sinking on my birthday when nothing truly happened. It was a year or more ago that I gave a big ultimatum with everything else I was going through at work I needed stability and was at the end of this particular rope.

Three years to swift through our memories. Sometimes I don’t know how we can still call ourselves a couple with all of these obstacles and the big elephant in the room. We haven’t met person to person yet. We have had some phone calls as of more recently though since New Years Eve night.

Life keeps on sending trials… and I wonder why me, why us? Why can’t I have the God-fearing man in my life and our children for this birthday? I don’t ask for things. I have been collecting my family heirlooms and trying to keep their history alive by using my Grandma Rosie’s cast iron skillet. Looking at my Bibles from Grandpa Leo’s collection and Great-Grandpa Arla’s collection of books. So rich with family and American heritage.

Yet I keep running into ruts I am still writing 4 articles a day and a couple at best on the weekend, but I don’t have an income stream no matter what I have tried. This January I feel like all I can do is what I am doing and wait on God’s will. At the beginning of the month I was excited Bryan and I were actually seeing an improvement in our situation. Maybe it’s just me and these old January feelings getting in the way of everything.

There are times he blows me away at the tenderness in his message and the words he uses. He’s persistent perhaps too due to his artfully skilled man of business methods. I have always had the feeling he gets what he wants and yet I think it’s more he knows exactly what he wants now. I have never been relentlessly pursued by friends or family about not having a boyfriend except by my Sunday School friends, you know how you are. I remember him telling me his Mum was always on him about finding a girlfriend. He was very much like his workaholic Father though instead of his younger brother.

I’m jealous of the sister-in-law in my future because she had time with the parents I will never meet. For the girl who came from a big family this hurts not having something I never had to begin with. Yet knowing I won’t have the ideal in my head I will love meeting her. and asking questions. In a way though my family seems to have diminished only in a different way by being busy and older with different life routines. I so miss the birthday parties we used to have; nothing formal just in the house or backyard.

Goodness… you would think this was my therapy session for the day.

How do you celebrate your birthday? Do you think of it as your day or your month to celebrate? Are there more difficult years that come to mind along with the special ones of course?

Just minutes ago I got a text from my man about my birthday…it would just be nice to have our problems behind us and finally be together for our birthdays and family events. It does truly take an emotional toll when it’s not possible.