Jewells of Thought

This morning I was rehashing with my boyfriend SAD-seasonal affective disorder. I have had to live with it with some family members. Most recently the weather has made walking much colder and harder to walk outside. Around here there aren’t too many good areas for exercise for free.

Stress and lack of sunlight during the wintertime is a real hardship. Stress for me was never more difficult than working at either Dialysis Clinics. In the second Clinic I saw a dozen people I got to know by name come in eventually die from any list of outcomes.

Death is a fact of life for all staffers of Dialysis Clinics.

This is something that you yourself have to recognize and ask God to guide you. I prayed over the patients as I took their vitals and when I had to check on them. Getting too personal is really a fine line, but it’s still done. We are all human after all and when you spend upwards of 3 hours with your patients you get to know each other fairly well.

This is one of the moments I’m glad I spent time as a PCT doing something totally out of my wheelhouse. I know the pain of getting to know patients and losing them too soon. I used to think it was just the family who hurt… I was wrong.

Since I am out of the Dialysis business now I only got this news through my Mom. One of my former patients just died. We went to Church with his Mom and she just texted my Mom the news it’s been a long battle for him. In many ways he reminded me of my uncle. Fortunately I stuck him and didn’t usually have problems which was amazing. I have to admit we saw them together at the doctor not long ago… sometimes one little change is all it takes.

We literally got back from our 16 minute walk and as we parked she got the text. I was pumped about getting in a few more minutes from yesterday. I may not be in the Clinic anymore but I can still see the patients in their seats and their specific mannerisms. He had his habits for certain and I know the ladies in the Clinic will miss this guy a lot.

Death for me is different. I have made my decision; the emotion comes from not knowing what he thought, but knowing his Mother wanted him to be saved if he wasn’t. I pray for his sake and his Mom’s that he was saved.

Being around as much death as I was may have had more effect on me than I would like to admit from that year of working Dialysis. I think more so because I do get emotional, but not necessary because it stressed me out to see death. They simply didn’t come back in; I didn’t physically see death in the Clinic yet in a way it is always for certain to happen eventually.

Still I think I did well when it came to finding out certain patients died it’s just now that I’m not there anymore it’s different. My emotions take over and even in typing this article tears have come to the surface even over a year since being in that Clinic.

I know God had a reason for me being there for that period of time to learn various lessons and gather experiences I wouldn’t anywhere else in my life.

…

A fact of my life.