Jewells of Thought

Why is it that it’s sometimes so difficult to be happy and energized as much as I want to be? Why do we do things for ourselves or for others and feel like it’s a burden?

I took a job in a different field out of my wheel-house thinking it would be stable. Yet I didn’t let a failure of leadership deter me I found another place and it seemed like the last job I would ever need.

I studied hard and even passed the competency test on schedule after having the flu for about a week and had a tiny fracture requiring a brace for nearly 2 months. Then after all that the soap became my enemy. I had to put steroid cream on my hands for weeks.

Migraine headaches are normal for me, but not to have them every night I work. The stress of having a trainer go against my doctors orders, and yet at the same time being afraid to contradict said trainer was straining. Then add in the fact I was one of two people training. So yes there was the added idea of two different interactions with us trainees. I had the prior experience, but she was younger and quicker and it seemed at times that she would throw me under the bus for her ability to make it up the rope with the trainer, supervisor and manager.

You would think that was enough to deal with, but the ulcer that came with my trainer forced me to use my arm more than my doctor had said to get worse. First of all, I was left to troubleshoot by myself. The manager told me personally that it should never have happened. She was even there when it happened and was not informed in order to help. That’s when my ability to completely trust my trainer went out the door; never to fully re-emerge. Going to work remembering that I had been left to hang brought me to fear each day working with her.

The ulcer then had made my migraines worse, created stomach problems and then a third complication from the bile seeping from my stomach through my esophagus into my throat into my mouth. All this time I kept thinking why… I chose this for an emotional reason and to have a reliable job with good benefits and was able to use some of the education I had already received.

It took two outbursts from those who were supposed to be supporting me in this training. They yelled at me for asking for help and asking questions. Then after not eating well for a long time nor sleeping well they expected me to work with the lady who had just yelled at me in front of the patients for the next two days. Apparently, I hid my ulcer from everyone except the manager and the number 1 nurse. I was absolutely overworked and physically, emotionally, and spiritually bruised.

Dealing with the effects of PTSD still haunts me in my dreams. I can still see the blood and the patient in her seat and on the floor. I took this job because it was a good job and I had to force myself to leave it because my body was telling me it wasn’t worth the price of my health. It took the bulk of 3 months to get away from the ulcer medication. Only because that medicine was also harming me the longer I had to take it. My mouth is still not fully healed.

This experience has taught me a few things. God did in fact have a reason for me in dialysis. I got to see how my uncle was given treatment and I got to meet the people giving him his treatments. I have an even bigger awareness of dialysis and its effects on patients and the staff. I also feel that I found myself in a hornets nest.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Today I was triggered by seeing someone and I didn’t expect to type this all out, but sometimes it’s good to let things out. Knowing what I know now; I’m still asking why? Why did I stay in this mess for 5 and a half months knowing they wouldn’t change and that I was getting sicker. Why did this job seem so imperative and important? Sometimes you have to know what you need to do and make a decision. My physician said she was proud of me for taking a stand for myself.

So why do I still feel like I’m the one that did wrong?